If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
