i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
