The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
