Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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