I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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