So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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