I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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