I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
