yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
