he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize