I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How does it feel to date your dad?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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