So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ttyl tear gas
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
