She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
