my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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