I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
