So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
