I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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