And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
