headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's blow job season.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
