Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
