We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
