i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
