His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He better not be in your backpack
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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