oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
