I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
