Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
