Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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