from now on my penis is your penis
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
