I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
how do you play pong handcuffed?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
