Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
