you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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