bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
