I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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