onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
