A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
