I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
