I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
