Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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