I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
