dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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