Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
