Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
