i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
