the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
