We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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