And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
