Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I currently don't understand fingers.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
