is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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