if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
