I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
