I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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