hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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