Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
