I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
