My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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