I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
