He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
