I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
