An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
