Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
