just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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